"Vacation" is a concept we normally associate with workless days of sun, sights and shopping. But relaxing by the pool is boring. If you're vacationing in a movie, chances are you're ending up in a madman's lair, jail, or casket. 'A Perfect Getaway' is the latest scarer to issue warnings on the stark dangers of holiday (thank you Hollywood!). So take heed of these 11 valuable lessons -- and retain those valuable organs of yours next time you travel.
Always Research Your LodgingOh, you may scoff when your parents insist that the only good hotel is one certified by AAA. But for God's sake, listen to them -- because that "charming" fleabag motel off the highway just might house a 'Psycho' cross-dressing mama's boy with a fondness for knives. Bet they don't include that amenity in Lonely Planet.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Do Not Leave Your Bags UnattendedIt's a rite of passage: Graduate from high school, head to an exotic locale with your best friend, sleep with a cute stranger who plants heroin in your backpack, and get sent to a Thai prison called 'Brokedown Palace.' OK, maybe that's not how most teens spend the summer before college. But it's way more exciting than freshman orientation.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Brush Up on Foreign LawsIf you're hell-bent on enjoying the hedonistic (read: illegal) pleasures that many Third World destinations offer, for the love of your neck, at least find out how deeply you're breaking the law. You do not want to be sentenced to hang like Joaquin Phoenix in 'Return to Paradise' for keeping a slightly too robust hash stash in your beach hut.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Stay the Hell Away From BratislavaFYI, that's the capital of Slovakia. Apparently the women are smokin' hot there, and they're eager to hop in the sack with Americans. But really they're just setting you up to be tortured to death for the enjoyment of others. OK, so maybe like Kazakhstan to 'Borat,' Slovakia gets a bad rap from 'Hostel.' But we're not taking our chances.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Don't Accept Rides From StrangersYou may have learned this adage as a child, but under no circumstances should you accept a ride from creepy strangers -- even while stuck in remote locales like the Australian Outback (like the ill-fated folks in 'Wolf Creek'). You never know when that seemingly well-intentioned elderly driver will turn into a sadistic torturer.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Don't Talk to Weirdos at Rest StopsAdmiring the bracelet of a man in line at a roadside convenience store seems harmless. But if you're like Sandra Bullock in 'The Vanishing,' it means you'll likely get chloroformed, kidnapped and ultimately buried alive. Moral of the story: Never trust men who wear jewelry -- especially if they hang out at rest stops.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Stay on the Main RoadAs a wise man once said of the shortcut, "If it were easy it would just be called 'the way.'" The Carter family learns this to the extreme when their RV breaks down off a beaten desert path in 'The Hills Have Eyes.' Actually a more accurate description of the hills is that they have a thriving community of mutant cannibals that want to eat your baby.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Don't Go Too Deep Into the Back-CountryHaving to squeal like a pig while getting your manhood snatched will almost certainly put a damper on your rafting adventure, but Ned Beatty, Burt Reynolds and 'Deliverance' pals should've known better than to waft through hillbilly waters dressed all seductively in life jackets. They were just asking for it.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Don't Pick Up Hitchers While Rafting
In 'The River Wild,' Gail (Meryl Streep) may have been an expert at white-water river rafting but as a judge of character? Not so hot. And once you figure out you're guiding killers through the rapids, you may want to "accidentally" overturn the boat. And swim like hell. Just a thought.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Know Your Fellow Scuba Divers by Name
If Susan and Daniel had only introduced themselves to anyone else on their chartered dive boat in 'Open Water,' they may not have been left behind to fend for themselves in the sea. That would've been a good move for Sue and Dan, bad news for surrounding sharks.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Always Bring a MapPulling out a map every five minutes is a dead giveaway you're a tourist, but the sexy sextet of female spelunkers in 'The Descent' could have used one. At least then they'd have known where they were going while fleeing hordes of super-agile cave mutants. But hey, at least the mutants didn't think they were tourists.
Rent the DVD | Buy the DVD
Reader Comments (5)
annie chambers at 12:01PM on Aug 7th 2009
I really injoy reading all of the info.Thanks a lot.
roger fulton at 4:12PM on Aug 8th 2009
why do they make this crap? With the exception of Deliverance, I saw none of this *##)@. To me, it's like mental Bingo. What kind of people like to sit in the dark, eat pre-digested white marbles and get the crap scared out of them, and pay an arm and a leg to do it. (let alone the price of cocaine for the "popcorn")
I sometimes wonder why these stars agree to these films..they must need the dough.
todd at 2:01PM on Aug 10th 2009
OMG!!! You never saw Psycho!!!!
Madeleine at 9:31AM on Aug 10th 2009
Lets see... How many of these tips did me and my sister follow on our latest of trips?
Always Research Your Lodging --- Just read some information about it.
Do Not Leave Your Bags Unattended --- We had our bags close to us at all times, even when we fell asleep at the airport, busstation, etc... Hrm.
Brush Up on Foreign Laws --- Laws?
Stay the Hell Away From Bratislava --- Done and done.
Don't Accept Rides From Strangers --- But they seemed trustworthy! And who can deny a ride at the back of a pick-up truck along with some bricks and broken wood?
Don't Talk to Weirdos at Rest Stops --- We had so many nice conversations.
Stay on the Main Road --- We got lost only...a few times.
Don't Go Too Deep Into the Back-Country --- Don't think we did.
Don't Pick Up Hitchers While Rafting --- Didn't raft.
Know Your Fellow Scuba Divers by Name --- Didn't scuba.
Always Bring a Map --- We got a free map on place which showed us...about half.
Leena at 5:11AM on Aug 11th 2009
Stay On the Main Road - another good movie example for not doing exactly that is "Severance". A group of people are passing through rural Romania when their bus breaks down. They decide to cut through the forest because one enlightened chap claims it's a short cut. The result - a not-so cordial encounter with a gang of serial killers who inhabit that forest... Yikes!